You can only refuse to eat at the hotel breakfast buffet if you are not staying there. If you’re on vacation, it makes no sense to stay at a hotel without a breakfast.
Since I can remember, I’ve been in love these lavish spreads. When I was 12, or 13, my dad was holding a conference in a five-star hotel. I went along for a night, and then the next morning for breakfast. As soon as I entered the food court, my life changed. You could eat whatever you wanted. As I looked at my father, I could feel the excitement in my eyes and my mouth as I waited for his nod. Once I got it, there was no stopping. I ate so many calories that day, I was sick the rest of my trip. This only made me love buffet breakfasts more.
My breakfast at home usually consists mainly of cereal or eggs with a small amount of milk. At a buffet, however, I let my inner Cookie Monster out. To put it mildly, I’m not just a cookie person. In this regard, I also prefer hotel chains. You can expect a standard menu, even if the hotel is not five-star.
Unfortunately, I also know people who think buffets are overwhelming or a waste. You don’t understand the art of navigating through a buffet spread, I tell them. This requires precision, skill and an order of dealing which I will share with you. Prepare yourself for a culinary adventure of a life time.
Step 1
Set your alarm to half an hour prior to the breakfast buffet. It is usually 7.30am. This is important.
Step 2
You wake up in a panic, fearing that you have missed the 3-hour window for the buffet spread and now will only be able to survive with tidbits out of the mini-fridge. Relax and look at the clock. You still have a half-hour before the event begins. Again, lie down.
Step 3
Get up at nine! Only an hour until they begin clearing the stands! Get up! Get up! Get up! It’s time to get up! You can go straight to the goal without changing out of your jammies.
Step 4
Enter the breakfast room. Assess the situation by looking around – is there a large crowd in the breakfast hall, a line of people waiting to use the toaster? What food items are being replenished, where are your favorites located, etc. After you’ve gotten a general idea, find an empty table in a corner. You don’t want to run into anyone but the waiter serving you coffee.
Step 5
Place your coat on a chair. Mark your territory. Then, go and collect your plate.
Step 6
Start with lighter items – fruit, muffins and pastries. You might find sushi, sashimi, or smoked salmon at a more upscale restaurant. Fill your plate to the top (or as much as you can eat, since we don’t waste any food). Next, head to the juice counter. Fill one glass with orange, thinking of the other flavors, but choosing wisely. Then, gulp the juice down to fill another glass for the table. Don’t forget the tiny packets with Nutella butter, and jam. You’ll be left with a craving for more once you remove the Nutella, butter and jam.
Step 7
Fill your plate with the tasty grapes, slices of watermelon, and pastries, then head back to the counter to get a new plate for your next breakfast adventure. Skip the cereal. I’ve lost all faith in you if you insist on eating cereal at a spread. All those mysterious silver trays should have been restocked by now. With your plate, dash to the first one. (Try to cut the line as much as you can. It’s fun to see people’s reactions). Open the first one with caution. The first has sauteed vegetables. Meh! Next!
Step 8
Open the second tray. Sausages! Jackpot! Take 3-4. Continue to accept hash browns and pudding. You should also avoid beans and porridge, as you cannot eat healthy while on vacation. You can also pile on half a kilogram of bacon if you are able to find it in Indian hotels.
Step 9
The toaster is the next stop. Choose 4 slices of bread, one for each variety. Consider how you will finish all the food. Tell your rational mind to shut up. It is helpful to have someone else with you at this stage. Bring your hot, delicious food to the table and enjoy.
Step 10
You can take your time and finish the food on the plate. You should have taken less food if you knew you wouldn’t finish. Prepare for the next round. Now you will try the local and unique food. Try the Idli Sambar when you are in South India. If you’re in Punjab try the Choley Bhature. If you’re not willing to try regional cuisine, then why are you eating at the buffet?
Step 11
You should befriend at least one server who will bring you hot coffee during the meal, instead of the watered-down mess that is available at the coffee station. You can use the coffee to help you eat as much as possible. Unbutton your top pants after you finish your local/regional round. Take a deep breathe.
Step 12
You don’t want to be seen by the other 100 people in the room, so button up your pants once more. Then head back to your hotel room. Dig through your luggage for the bottle of Digene you packed. It would be a shame if you didn’t. Take a big gulp of half the bottle, then slump into a chair in your room. You can then get up to go to bed to sleep off your food-hangover.
This is the best way to experience gluttony. It’s important to let your inner foodie loose every now and then. There’s no better place to indulge in this than the hotel breakfast buffet.
